You want to get something? Be nice. Be overly enthused by the person&8217;s mere existence on Earth. Shoot. Tell them they piss intelligence and oooooooooooooze appeal. Lavish them with compliments. And maybe buy them some chocolate? I don&8217;t know, chocolate always makes me nicer, so I&8217;m assuming that tactic will work on everyone.
She grabbed my hand, shoved me into new clothes (which was a dress that I absolutely hated and threw a fit about) and dragged me outside to my ther.
Now, don&8217;t get me wrong, I&8217;m pro-life, well technically, I&8217;m pro-my life, and a baby would just really mess that up right now.
byNatalieis licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
After being on hold for Christ&8217;s knows how long, frustrated and a little bloated, I was furious. I wanted to lash out at whoever was going to be on the other line. But I didn&8217;t. I&8217;ve been on the other side of this situation, and I knew if I had one hint of attitude in my voice, I wasn&8217;t going to get squat.
&8230;Basically, if you this phrase in a serious matter, I would also life to force-feed you lard, because I&8217;m assuming you use the word &8220;tinkle&8221; too. Don&8217;t you?!You sadist piece of , you!
1. Being too hot or too cold. ...I think mother nature needs to stop being a little and start paying attention to what really matters...
But I didn&8217;t care. This was going to be my moment. Adrenaline rushing, I flew into the bathroom &8211;forgetting to close the door &8211;unbutton my pants and wait for the sound of tinkling. But it didn&8217;t happen.
Maybe this is just a unique situation for myself, but I have this weird ability to get strangers to talk about anything. Either that, or I just know when to be nice to get what I want.
&8230;This word is ONLY okay when you are talking about red velvet cake&8230;and German chocolate cake&8230;and Twinkies&8230;
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But alas, no matter how long I chased after this &8220;iry tale&8221; life. I was never able to capture this wanting. No, this need, to pee standing up.
To this day, I still sigh a breath of jealously any time I see a guy pee standing up. It was never a hygiene thing for me or some OCD thing. It was pure laziness. You men get everything, and you don&8217;t even appreciate it.
ACTUALLY, pretending like you care about the customer service lady&8217;s teacup poodle, while they look to see if they can order your iPhone three weeks before your original upgrade date is the best way to get what you want.
&8230;Nothing good can come from &8220;smearing&8221; anything onto anything. Well nothing that isn&8217;t food related. So yes, Ray Liotta&8230;you may smear chocolate all over my body, but only if you insist.
Twenty minutes later and a lot of awkward phrases from my ther, I was pissed off. All of a sudden god seemed like a dirty little bastard to me. Life was so unir. Never would I get to write my name in the snow with my own pee. Never would I be able pee wherever I wanted. It was so wrong, so unjust. But God couldn&8217;t have thought of everything. There must be a loophole.
So much of a douche, that I let him guest post on my douchey blog and you should check out his blog @My Life is Lame.
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&8230;Probably because I always accidently say &8220;pussy&8221; when I try to say &8220;puss&8221;, and then I get super embarrassed when people call me out for saying &8220;pussy&8221; instead of &8220;puss.&8221; Whatever&8230; you all! Ipataskala girl dies of strept&8217;s still ing gross.
&8230;Stop shoving your prenatal hullabaloo in our ces, assholes. (See 10) Just eat your ing vitamins and shut the up. Unless you want me (and the rest of the rational society) to ralph onto your &8220;prenatal&8221; stomach. Believe, I would be honored.
Penises have always, always confused me. And when I say confuse, I kind of really mean that I have always been jealous of any person with a penis. You people with your penises; you live a charmed life.
So of course at 2 AM and quite possibly buzzed, I found it completely necessary to Google the symptoms of rabies, which inevitably led me to magical land called WebMD.
Now, I&8217;ve never used the pill and I never will, because yes, I think it&8217;s going to kill me. So instead, I use condoms, but those are only 99.99% effective. So, um .
I know, America. I know. We&8217;ve been told that to get stuff done men need to be assholes and women need to be stone cold es. But this is just a lie that assholes and es have repeatedly told us all to feel less crappy about their own personal crappy actions upon society.
It never ceases to amaze me how appalling the normal human being can be when goods and/or services are involved.
It happened when I was seven. I accidently walked in on my brother in the bathroom, and there he was. Peeing and standing! It made absolutely no sense. How was the pee it into the toilet? How did I not know I could do this?
Obviously, I didn&8217;t sleep that night. And obviously,
tumor
now my poor roommate was bestowedpataskala girl dies of strep Awkward Sex and the City with the gift of having to talk me out of the absolutely real rabies diagnoses. ...which is bull...might I add. 1. Diet Coke &160;....how can a chemically enhanced substance that doesnt include liquor cause cancer.....
Being a dick to the person behind the register is not going to get you what you want. Being a dick to the customer service lady is not going to get you what you want.
&8230;Vaginas are icky, which is why I like to stick to my very scientific vernacular of &8220;lady who-hahs.&8221; Trust me&8230;I&8217;m a lab assistant at Mt. Sinai, and yes they all think I&8217;m hilarious. Well all the black sassy nurses think I&8217;m hilarious&8230;
I am so sick of getting a sore throat, perusing WebMD for a good two hours, only to self-diagnose myself with rabies. Now I&8217;m stuck with the task of trying to talk myself out of this obviously rational thought.
Everyday I tell myself I&8217;m going to exercise, or that today is the day I&8217;m going to starve myself. But I never do. Why? Cause I&8217;m t&8230;and la...
Three days later, I had my brand new iPhone. All because I was nice to the stranger with the power, well that and my killer southern accent.
I closed the door, allowing my brother to finish his &8220;important&8221; business and impatiently waited. And waited.
And oh, did I practice. I practiced in my bathroom, I practiced in my parent&8217;s bathroom, I even practiced in public bathrooms at the mall, but my mom always seemed to catch me.
pataskala girl dies of strep Awkward Sex and the City,Enjoy!
&8230;Things shouldn&8217;t &8220;secrete.&8221; They should be &8220;injected&8221; with Bavarian crme&8230;chocolate crme&8230;. artificially enhanced lemon goo crme&8230;
Of course any time I have protected , I think I&8217;m pregnant, and my period is so ed up to begin with, it&8217;s impossible to track.
I can honestly tell you I&8217;ve been freaking out about this rabies &8220;situation&8221; for the past two weeks AND I can tell you that if I suddenly stop posting... it&8217;s because I&8217;ve died from rabies.
So instead of being smart and calming the down, I just get on WebMDand cry myself to sleep because WebMDsays I&8217;m either pregnant or rabies or that I have a brain tumor that about to explode out of my left earlobe, and at this point of my hysteria, I&8217;ll take the brain tumor.
My friends have even offered to take care of my potential &8220;love mistakes&8221; in the past and probably only because they knew I was crazy and that I was not actually pregnant.
In lieu of flowers, please send pizza and cases of Michelob Ultra to St. William of York. She was a sassy bloke and will surely be missed&8230; by her dog, Stella.
I just recently had my phone go to the crapper three weeks before the original upgrade date and after repeatedly being told that I would have to wait at least two more weeks to replace my phone, I bit the bullet and finally called the main customer service line.
My ther was lying! This was bull. I know I can pee standing up. I can just feel it. So, whatever, I don&8217;t have a penis. Saying I can&8217;t pee standing up just cause I&8217;m a girl, well, that&8217;s just racist, dad. I just need practice, that&8217;s all.
So what needs to be done? Well there are a plethora of things that should be done. Like fixing global warming and finding Waldo. But until then I think Ill just drink.
And for the record, just to make myself sound a little more sane for being freaked out be WedMDs diagnosis for pregnancy, the symptoms they give are basically the same things that happen right before your period. So according to WebMD, youre either about to get your period...or your about to be given the unwanted gift of life.
&8220;Natalie Paige Wall!&8221; screamed my horrified mother as she caught me hovering over the toilet and staring down at my pee-drenched underwear.
I wish all of this wasn&8217;t true. I wish I wasn&8217;t ing crazy, but sadly this is what happens when crazy ladies are given access to Google.
It never ceases to amaze me how appalling the normal human being can be when goods and/or services are involved. Being a dick to the person...
Have you ever been inside my head, WebMD? It&8217;s not fun is it? And yeah&8230; I haven&8217;t figured out why it&8217;s so sticky yet either.
Now, was it just a coincidence that I had an ill-ted bite mark on my left wrist? And that I had a terrible sore throat that day, which inevitably got worse as I coughed up my beer at the sight of the symptoms of rabies? AND come on, who isn&8217;t scared less by water?!
This is not rocket science, people. We&8217;ve all been in this situation before. Whether you were the person being crapped on, or if you were the crapper-oner.
So I bit my tongue, pretended like I was a southern belle, and allowed the compliments to roll off the tip of my tongue.
Sadly, this is a true story. I actually thought I had rabies two weeks ago. I woke up after a night of drinking with a weird scratch on my wrist that looked like an animal bit me and it didn&8217;t help when people confirmed this fear.
&8230;What are you four? Any adult that uses this word in a serious manner, should be force fed lard. Immediately.
1. Dunkaroos. ....i used to just hoard all the vanilla icing cups and finger to the mouth with that . 2. That gooey pure sugar ...
Birth control scares the out of me and I mean really scares the out of me. I pretty much think it&8217;s going to trick me into thinking I&8217;m not pregnant and then 10 months later I&8217;m watching the premiere episode of my belligerently-sassy self, on &8220;I Didn&8217;t Know I Was Pregnant.&8221; Well, either that, or it&8217;s just going to kill me.
So stop telling me I&8217;m going to die, WebMD! Or that I&8217;m pregnant, which is basically telling me I&8217;m dead, you asshole.
Based on a work at
Making Out With A D-Bag
But it never happened. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how r I arched my back. I never heard that tinkling sound of success.
